he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
pop tarts are not kleenex
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
