omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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