I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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