WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
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