Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
