your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
