the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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