i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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