Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
