Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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