Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I want a musical about memes.
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