awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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