your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
