just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
