She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
