I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
