Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
