I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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