You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
