If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
