I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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