over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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