i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Well I just put wine in my tea
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
