life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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