sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she peed on how many people?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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