super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
