They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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