Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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