Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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