Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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