whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
two words...techno handjob
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
