Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
