Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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