I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
