After last night, I could never be a politician.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
