i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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