Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
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