you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
