Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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