He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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