I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
