Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
