I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
