It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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