If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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