if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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