carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
3pm strippers are depressing
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
