I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
