Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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