what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
