Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
