I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
